You make me dsyfunctional, baby.

Lets talk about crushes. The heart thumping, hands sweating like shit kind. They say the one you marry may not be the one you love – soulmate. I don’t know about that. All i know of is the thought of “what-if”.Its easy for me to like but I’ll never love. Here is my stories of unexpected declarations of child-like quality love & the pure  simplicity of it. A time so decadent, so transparent, I can only call it a hallucination?  A place so different from today where Gucci bags and a posh car was out out of the picture.

 

1st -

I felt as if a truck just banged me down & was injected with morphine. What i saw was a golden haired boy (dyed), tall and skinny. But at that time, i would have described him as tall, fair and gorgeously handsome. An ah beng. I was 14 – an idiot.  4 words. Infatuation at first sight. I bumped into him countless times at J8. A crush so bad to the extent that i will go to J8 with BFF EVERYDAY without fail. All just to get a puny glance at him & admiring from afar. Pure bliss. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

Everytime when he casually look over his shoulder or when our eyes met, i think fireworks exploded in my heart. I’ll pretend not to be interested and ask my female soldiers to check if he is looking at me. Heehee. (Wingwoman in bar terms. I guess i was already a bitch in training then. Haha)  

 

I was so BLOODY FUSTRATED when after months of oogling him, i have no idea what his name was and all. Hell, my first crush and it was an ah beng. Love is blind. Very cocked eye. Now that i think about it, he wasn’t good looking at all. Average, to say the least. I forced BFF to practise with me in school everyday to “accidentally” push me to him & TADA – he will support me ala prince charming style and we will live happily after. NOT. (And we looked like fools pushing each other. She pushed me wrongly, i push her back) Anyway, apparently he and his group of friends noticed us. One fine day, his friend approached me and i was so high. I knew it. This is lurrrrrrrrrrrrvvvvvvvvve!!!!!!!! I knew he was just too shy so he asked his friend to help him instead. WRONG! W.R.O.N.G. WRONG!

 

Turns out that it was his friend that was interested in me all along. To think i put up with the shitty trouble of going to go J8, play arcade games and para para madeness. I went from confident sick-head to self-doubt in 30 seconds.

 

Bah! 1 year of pure delirium. And stupidity.

 

And in case you’re wondering what happened, i dated his friend for 2 months. With a ulterior motive lah. Just to see my ah beng and know him better. Yah, im such a little cunt. Oh well, i wasn’t much of a looker anyway.

 

2nd -

My best guy friend. If shame had a face, it will be me. He has dearly departed for almost 2 years and it is only now do i have the guts to admit it.

 

I had a thing for him when i first saw him. He was a cocky son of a bitch. Then again, im a sucker for bad boys and arrogant a-holes. It wasn’t a crush wherby i fell  hard. I just liked his character. It was rare. Hard to understand & hard to like – till you know him. Anyway we got off on a wrong start and although we met often, i carried it with abit of rancor & enmity. Yet somehow, dislike turned into content & then turned into my very best friend. From all that fights and heart-to-hearts to clubbing and running away from home.

 

I loved him so much (as akin of a friend). However, a big fight ruined the both of us. Lets just say for me, its impossible for friends to turn into lovers. All there will be left of is dregs and remnants of when was supposed to be an unbroken friendship. Even when we patch things up, nothing was ever the same again. I have to admit, I saw it coming. Yet when the time came, i was caught dumbfounded. I was as if Harry Potter just cast a spell on me. Confounded. The air got hard to beathe and word said was filled with anxiety. We cut off contact. I was probably titled – the fucking bitch.

 

Still, it takes more than heartbreaks to get to me.

 

Till he died.

 

Still, i genuinely cared for him.

I hope you are happy in heaven, best friend. =))) Everyday spent with you was never a bore. I was/am happy. And you should know that you’ll always have a piece of me. Words are useless but, I’m really happy I met you. That you have always been in my life.